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02:48pm 14/02/2007
mood: hungover
well its another cruddy v-day for me but oh wells...right shot happens..got drunk yesterday with my sis...ugg we drank a bottle of gin...which was GROSS! but i handled my shit..was a crazy night man...the past few days been good and some what eh..but all is well..been kicked out for a week or two so im chillin at trice's for a while...which is ok, cause ive been chillin with munky but damnit i want my own bed...i miss my pull out...and since ive been gone my mom and makeda's been goin through my shit...which aint cool...hope my mom didnt trash my lquor or see my vibrator...hope not...that be odd...um yea...peace out...HAPPY VDAY ALL!! HOPE UR DAY IS GREAT!
1 Baby, baby, baby is a rock-and-roll nigger..Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketBaby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
to be or not to be...   
12:36am 29/01/2007
mood: calm
these past few weeks have been pretty shitty...phones completely off and so if everything else...good thing is we got the heat back on as well as hotwater...wonder how long it'll last...I wish I had a job so I could help with some of the bills...thing with that is...I seem to be getting no luck...I'm gonna keep looking of course til I find somethin. I saw chris friday...it was rather nice...my mom was around and I thought he'd leave but everything went well and he'd stayed...which made me very happy...it was a great night...even if we aren't together...I'm happy we're still around eachother...miss my friends...haven't seen everyone in awhile....and i'm sorry I haven't talked to anyone...can't make calls and nobody's really around for me to use their cells...hope all is well and to my peeps..I miss you guys!
1 Baby, baby, baby is a rock-and-roll nigger..Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketBaby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
happy fuckin new year   
12:21pm 01/01/2007
mood: crushed
what a shitty night :[...hope everyone had a better night..im gonna finish drinkin then head to bed..happy new year..yea right...
4 Baby, baby, baby is a rock-and-roll nigger..Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketBaby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
your the problem now..   
03:47am 29/12/2006
mood: discontent
im not a ppl person, yes i know..and dealin with people just give me headaches..i know im not a bad person and i know that ppl tryning to make me sound like a bad person is just thier way of tryna tear me down, i know im a loser now, its like pretty fuckin obvious, im not where i wanna be in life, im not even close and dealin with ppl just make it a little harder, even my "friends" i still question them cause at times they too give me headaches...i know they mean well and maybe its just the moodswings but at time i just want to be aay from them..away from everyone, i wish i could just step outside myself and just drift, cause im too tired of tellin myself how i can change when ive been sayin this for too long now..and im right back where i dont wanna be..in a state of depression, in the downward spiral that keeps suckin me back in, sleepin then wakin up knowing that im just failing, accomplishin nada..i dont need a bf to bring them into my shit, but just the comfort of having one isnt enough to make me wanna keep him..which is why i think i might just go back to being alone..i dont need more drama, i dont need ppl thinking that i blame them for every fuck up i do, cause i did the fucking up..all by myself..im a mess..m lifes a mess, and no i dont want nor care for advice so dont give it, it wont be heard..i just want to be by myself..so i can think in peace..i wanna sleep but i keep thinkin how im gonna fix this shit..im 20 now, and im still a fuckin loser..this shit is pissin me off..my life is pissin me off..if i cant fix it..i might as wll jump in front of a bus
2 Baby, baby, baby is a rock-and-roll nigger..Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketBaby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
02:05am 07/09/2006
  "Once Around The Block"

You quiver like a candle on fire
I'm putting you out
Maybe tonight we could be the last shout
But I'm fascinated by your style
Your beauty will last for a while

You're feeling instead of being
The more that I live on the inside
There's nothing to give
I'm infatuated by your moves
I'm got to search out for your clues

I want to repair your desire
And call it a gift that I stole from
just wanting to live
Now I see the vision through your eyes
Your innocence no longer fuels surprise

Trying to outrun your fear
Your running to lose, heart on your sleeve
And your soul in your shoes
Take a left, a sharp left
And another left, meet me on the corner
And we'll start again
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
6-23/24 what a good night   
04:09am 24/06/2006
mood: cause im so fucking wasted!!!!
cisco's 21st b-day at tracy face's house was awsome
it included music, loads of laughter, friends, mad booze, mad pot, and trace'ys hot dogs..one of the best days, and he seemed to like our decorations, so that made me very happy, so this was a great fucking day!! n_n....that is all

ps:i love my friends<3333
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
man, sleep is neeeded   
06:36am 23/06/2006
mood: sleepy
at tracy's still up, we didnt fall asleep which sucks, cause we're supposed to be getting fudged later on, dont wanna pass out...hmm..anyways, so far the past few days have been delicious...chilled with the grls, and shtuff, went on my first rollercoaster, wish chris wouldve seen me, i was brave, he would be proud of me, i somewhat conquered a fear of mine...and i loved it, i cried cause i thought i would die, but in the end it was a rush, i loved the feeling of almost having a heart attack and losing breath while screaming, it was a scary but satisfying experience and im glad my friends were there with me to hold my hand <3

on another note, i talked to migs a few hours ago, and i missed talking to him, i had somewhat of a crush on him before, he's great, he's mad chill, into similar music, adorable, smart and a party animal, hes sweet, and i dunno, nice, hopefully we chill this summer since he lives like a block from tracy, would be nice to finally see his place, chill, drink and just be in eachothers company..

im sleepy and wished i could fall asleep

and diana if u see this, i dont hate u, never did, will call u, even though u never tried, seems things change, friendships fade, i still love u, ur still important to me, and i hope all is well
1 Baby, baby, baby is a rock-and-roll nigger..Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketBaby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
suppose a smile wasnt enough, maybe all she wanted was a hello..   
12:54am 07/03/2006
mood: morose
these past few days have been kinda shitty, ive been alone and sick, feeling like crap basically and chris was no help, damnit he was supposed to make me happy talking to him was supposed to cheer me up, like always but whatever i dunno, maybe he was mad at me or sumthin i dunno what his deal was, i dont know, whatever, so yea, i was sick,still kinda, my throat is still fucking sore and red and im pregnant.............just kidding...^_^ no...i wish, maybe id have someone right now...im immensly alone, i have really no friends that i talk to on a daily...and ive been so dissatisfied...im not liked, not making the right life decisions, all my goals have been turned to shit, im bad with people, bad with myself, ive been poppin way too much painkillers for my own good, my weight is droppin, im stressed, i have a no eating diet, and im in denile of myself im not getting better,but i keep telling myself i am. my head is constantly jumping up and down with all these exciting thoughts to keep myself occupied, but in reality im alwaysbored, i talk to myself in the street ive noticed, its kinda creepy.i dunno..like ill start thinking aloud then ill just go into conversation...its odd...and to me its so normal, no idont feel like im losing my mind, im just thinking way to much, .... my boss is a dick, he didnt care i was sick, bastard, he was mad when my mom told him i had a fever.what the fuck?! i shouldnt even worked today...but whatever,soon ill be leavin that job for an on the book one...gettin my papers soon, will join humanity. finally. ... chris..i wanted to speak to u but u didnt for whatever reason, and u made me sad,cause u were mean like evryone else the the othr day and i was sick, that sucked, and everytime i'd call u, u dont answer ur phone...i dunno...i finally listened to the entire tv on the radio cd, and i like it, wanted to say thank you <3 i wish things werent this way, i wish i were happier instead of having a fading smile i cant sleep, cant fucking sleep, not after lastnight, that dream was to fucking real, and it scared me,it was so wierd and it was like i just watched every moment right before my eyes but i couldnt stop anything, it went by, scared the shit out of me, maybe if i didnt dream at all, i wouldnt mind falling asleep,maybe if i had teddy or grape always...i guess ill lay with teddy...he'll keep me safe... i hope...
2 Baby, baby, baby is a rock-and-roll nigger..Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketBaby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
my life is a mess   
10:17pm 01/03/2006
mood: crappy
well my life is a crazy mess, been kicked out, so ive been homeless the past few days, my sis let me stay for a few days, which is cool...met a guy named mark, crashed as his place, for a favor..sucked but, i got a place to crash. hes ok, met his friends, danced went to a house party had a few screwdrivers, got loose, got funky...danced to a lot of reggaeton! had fun, met a lot of hot girls,slept on the e train, almost got rbbed and raped but a bum...not good, dont wanna do that sleepin on the train anymore..i wish i had a friend or bf/gf with their own place...i hate livin like a gypsie...its depressin, im 19 and homeless..sucks but eh, im a fuck up, saw a guy name ivan, he's 17 but hes hot and i want in his pants, i dunno...its wierd...i dunno...too much on my plate and i have work in the morning...yes work, my job finally called late but they called, and at 9 i go in, get paid friday, i miss di a lot! di, i want to see you..i dunno how but i do, really...i miss u miss...and i dunno got to go edit:IVAN IS HOT, ID FUCK HIM, BUT NO, SIMPLY HE'S GOODLOOKING, BUT I DONT KNOW HIM AND SIMPLY PUT... HE'S TOO GORGEOUS FOR ME.
2 Baby, baby, baby is a rock-and-roll nigger..Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketBaby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
01:11pm 17/02/2006
mood: calm
for some reason i keep thinking i did something wrong to make them feel this way about me...i feel as if when they look at me, i dont even exist..then i'm forced with a sudden feeling and urge to make them see, but all fails and im in the cold again..same cycle, same fucking cycle..my head is flooded to the brink, to the point i cant think, so much i want to do, i dont or havent tried, why cause im so busy worrying what ppl think..it makes me frustrated all the god damn time, trying to get others as well as me, man i dont understand people let alone get myself, the grey is fading thin to a near white and i feel satistfied if i werent i would make somthing change, but i am too goddamn lazy to live! what is wrong with me? im 19 years old and i act like afuckin child...your getting to old for this shyt ama...get your shyt right...stop occupying yourself with the same redundant bullshit. fuck people who hurt you and fuck those who cant forgive..fuck me for being an idiot! man, if i keep doing this, rolling around trying but failing cycle that im forver been riding, ill get nowhere...i must get it through, if not i will shatter..
on a lighter note, im starting to realize sumwhat that i shouldnt keep this wall up, ive been building a wall for certain people. and i feel like i should let that wall fall down. i feel in order to actually grow, i have to let more people in no matter the consequences...pain and hurt is a part of life and if u stay in fear of getting hurt ull never truly live..thats the way i see things, life has its balances, not everything is in a constant flow of content...sometimes tears are meant to be shed and feelings are meant to be hurt but it takes a strong person to get over that and deal. thats why i cant hate, even though ive been shat on in so many ways...i cant break down, i must be strong and live my life...im on my own road of recovery... recovery of life and the objections of my own happiness at which ive brought upon myself...to those who read this, this may sound like a bowl of wtf? but to me it makes sense, thse are thoughts, just spat out
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
by the way i eat condom flavored socks! supa cool eh!?   
03:48am 27/01/2006
mood: i need shome drugs!
im going on a food strike it seems i havent been eating really as of like last week...its pretty grss, i dunno, i get hungry then i dont eat, wtf? i think my brain is tired and recently ive been going to bed mad late, like 4 am, knowing i have work in like 5 hrs, mad dzumb! i dunno man, my mind is actin all strange and such, my period is simmering and i wanna partay! or at least shmoke tomorrow! wtf man, im doing no socializing, fuckin job occupying too much my GODDAMN time! but this niggra needs shome money...ive been thinking how am i gonna get my shit from jersey and pooj's...cause i gotta move my shyt into my room and suc soon...i dunno but i kinda want meh cds badly man...i dunno...ill see, im getting a new tat soon...like maybe the end of the month..tum tumm hurts..i ate a can of tuna and some juice, i guess ill make some ramen then conk the fuck out...well its been fun..peace out!
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
whats the dealio?   
08:27pm 23/01/2006
mood: cranky
my moms irritating me again
i have a crush on a girl
i hate havin periods at the end of the month
i had fun this weekend for first time in a while
i'm shavin my head soon
i hate dogs..fuck those four legged bastards
i wanna leave brooklyn
i need a smoke
i'm lonely
and i wanna a new fuckin job

srry di, im a bad friend, hope u had mucho fun
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
what was wong wit meh!   
11:35pm 19/01/2006
mood: content
man im a block head...i <3 me finally i can say that and mean it...i like who i am, sure some things i would love to change but noone's perfecto...im not a bad person, done stupid things but im not a horid person, no more self doubting so over that bull...im ok looking not a ten but i can deal with at least a 7...ilike life..god i was such a FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! MAN im gonna be a different person, one full of happy...man i feel good, gonna go rejoice and sleep!

oh yea

Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
my skin's peeled for u all to see what lies underneath   
12:45am 19/01/2006
mood: why do girls think?
i find myself these days constantly questioning myself as a whole...like my sexuality, my goals, what im doing with myself really. im still so flustered...as far as my sexuality goes im uncertain but im definately starting to think im really and honstely a lesbian, not like one of those girls that wishes that she wants to be a guy and is into the same sex because i have the thought process of a guy, no..well i have all these thoughts and ive been strongly all for the female sex for quite some time, i have had sex with guys, some were great partners, sme ok, some unwanted, but it was like everytime the connection no matter what felt like it was missing something, a lot of times i wished that i was with a girl because it wouldve been more comfortable, i dont know i just think so much wouldve been a lot more relaxed like i wouldve been totally into it, maybe my train of thought is because i feel like the male gender has been nothing but a total failure when it comes to me and my experiences, maybe, but even before i was raped, even before say dating chris, even before all the blowjobs and shit i still had a lot of sexual fantasies, crushes and non sexual dreams of girls and women. when i think of of great sex i always picture me with a smooth skinned, brown eyed, dark hair beauty with small breast and slight curves, just a beautiful girl in my arms begging for her to be fucked by me...i still want that..and all i had was guys wanting me to beg to be fucked by them. and i had to adjust, i dunno...so many thoughts..im gaining weight and i have so many mixed emotions, like im glad im not a stick and i have a little bit of meat to grab in places that can please others and i wont be like some annorexic figure that stands there in need of a nice lard injection...but i want to be able to ft a size 4...but my height wont allow that anyway...>_<...im a gurl with so many mixed emotions about ones own self...man, i need to take a rest...my body is overloading, with backed up sleep, constant work overloads and unhealthy diet of smokes and coffe for breakfast...i need to stop this self melting that im doing...im breaking out and i feel so restless, man i need a good rest...ill continue this later when i can think more

and talking to jeremy online makes me happy for some odd reason...jeremy ur a really cool guy im glad i know u!
4 Baby, baby, baby is a rock-and-roll nigger..Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketBaby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
08:29am 18/01/2006
mood: drained
i hate my sis, she kept me up and i have work in half hour...im tired as fuck
took her for her bday to see hostel...good shyt...got smokes, gonna get coffee, what a breakfast!
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
god what a morning..   
03:33pm 12/01/2006
mood: excited
3 am i started drinking with my sis and her friend by 6 am i was drunk..my sis was gone by like 5...then she became a nut..go figure...damn the grey goose...i just woke up...and im off today but guess what, everyones busy doing something... >_< I WANNA CHILL DAMNIT! i have more drinks and thats wht ill do tomorrow...finish the shyt off...yummz...my sis is no longer allowed to drink, she gets crazy violent well at least she did last night...makeda drunk=bad times...my mom's off work today, and oh boy its boring here...but man what a crazy morning! like 4/5 hrs of insanity...teenagers unsupervised and drunk=party! hahaha...good times ^_^ and i took mad shots..we had a bottle o' grey goose, 3 40 0unces o' smirnoff ice, and a bottle o' bacardi gold...^_^ GOOD TIMES AND NO HANGOVER MAN I FEEL GOOD..we have no more grey goose, some more rum, and smirnoff...but thats for tomorrow when me ma leaves..TODAY I SHALL CHILLAX WITH SOME PEEPS! HOPEFULLY >_< laterz foos
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
bow your head a suck on this here bullet!!!   
10:05am 09/01/2006
im so fucking filled with so much more than anger right now...i hate the animals that im living amongst...this neighborhood, this block...these monkeys...canabalistic isnt even the word to describe them...theyre are crude...niggerish...ignorant ass monkeys and i wish that me and my bro had fucking shotguns!!!! they keep fucking with my family and its so bad to the point that its unsafe and very uncomfortable/ unbearable to live here...they tried to kill us before and they keep on with the keep on....why my mom moved back here is uncertain but if we stay here i fear our demise is amongst us...i dont want to perish here...in bed-stuy amonst these monkeys....>_< this cig is calming me but i still am full of anger...I SWEAR IF SOMEONE DOES ANYTHING TO ANYONE I CARE ABOUT...IM GONNA FUCKING KILL SOMEONE! I WILL TAKE A HAMMER TO THEIR FUCKING KIDS SKULLS AND SLICE THEIR MOMMIES THROATS! ILL GO FUCKING MAD IF THEY TOUCH A FUCKING HAIR ON THEIR HEADS...I SWEAR TO FUCKING CHRIST CHILLING ON HIS CRUCIFIX @_@ IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF..why am i listening to blonde redhead now...silly meh...they fucking tried baring us in man...wtf is their problems...i hate NIGGERS..niggers I HATE YOU!!

i dwnloaded a few random songs i made 2 chilled cds with...i dwnloaded some saosin, some blonde redhead(alot), some bikini kill, some beck, sum circa <3333, i dwnloaded when the sun sleeps by underoath i <333 that song...ish nice.. .i need shower but i shtill full of fucking anger but i cant go to work later mad, itll fuck up my day..so later
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
people are people so why cant it be...u and i should gt along...   
07:25pm 08/01/2006
mood: calm
well this is here my day went so far...i got to work half hour late...i rushed to dress...i ended up throwing my hat on my head....luckily my clothes were out already...no shower...my makeup smeared cause i slept in it...and i was so frantic...i left puffed a smoke..and ran to work..i looked like a crazy lady running for a fix...when i got there my boss was attempting to call me...and i got in reaking of a freshed clipped cig...i looked disorientated and like i just woke up...my co worker still thought i looked cute...haha..@_@
i said sorry like a million times...my boss forgave me and said its ok...since im like always on time..shit i get there before him...haha..^_^ and i am a good worker...if he fires me i could tell my mom and we could do the "chicken dance" to give him bad luck..
anyways im dwnloadin stuff...so i can make cds
and im thinking bout getting a new piercing or tat..i want a new addition...i dunno..maybe no piercing..i dont think i need more metal...haha...but i like it so..
i dunno the point of this update but BLEH SUE ME
2 Baby, baby, baby is a rock-and-roll nigger..Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketBaby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
10:40pm 07/01/2006
  ive realized that the moon looks really gorgeous at night...like i went outside like an hour ago to smoke a bogie and i looked up and i felt so relaxed...i forgot i was in brooklyn, living in an apartment with just about no downstairs door..and i wasnt stressed what so ever..i dunno..it was so nice...

on another note..i want to just pack my shit one day soon, and just leave...i dunno where to but i have a feeling that's what i want, and hopefully i do...i dont know and dont really care to where i just wanna leave...get away from everything i know..and just see new...be new and feel different...i have these dreams that bad shit happens to me everywhere i go, and i dont like the fact that i step out and i'm around the same shit. i keep having dreams of like wierd shit happening and i get stuck wondering what's going on..are these signs or are these messages of any kind...i just dont want to be stuck in brooklyn...i want to get out of here...i want to grow some where positive and feel good about coming home, to a place i like...one day soon...i will gather my shit, get on a train and noone will hear from me ever again...and you know i wouldnt mind that what so ever.

i feel chill...smoking another bogie..i feel so mellow...i like am gonna chillax..lay down and just mellow the fuck out with some music and feel good...
like i told this to cisco...im gonna change my moods..im gonna destress myself...just be chill...no drama...no sadness..no shit..just good...chill...cool..calm ama...
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.
a song i like by blonde redhead   
10:36pm 07/01/2006
  Misery Is a Butterfly

Dearest Jane I should’ve known better
But I couldn’t say hello, I didn’t know why
But now I think, I think you were sad
Yes you were, you were, you were

What I say, I say only to you
Cause I love and I love only you
Dearest Jane, I want to give you a dream
That no one has given you

Remember when we found misery
We watched her, watched her spread her wings
And slowly fly around our room
And she asked for your gentle mind

Misery is a butterfly
Her heavy wings will warp your mind
With her small ugly face
And her long antenna
And her black and pink heavy wings

Remember when we found misery
We watched her, watched her spread her wings
And slowly fly around our room
And she asked for your gentle mind
Baby was a black sheep. Baby was a whore.